With me and cigarette, the relationship is beyond puffing some tobacco leaves wrapped in glistening white paper. Smoking consumes me. I can quit for three weeks or three months or three years even; the moment I light up, I'm back to a pack a day smoker. When I quit I have to abstain from three things, the craving, the boredom, and the depression.
Getting away from the craving is easy. If I don't smoke for three days, I'll be ok. Then comes the boredom. This is easy too, I just keep myself busy or I just doze off. What I can't stand is the depression mood. This is hard. Even after three weeks of quitting, I feel like a sack of potatoes. To compensate I eat a lot of fattening and sugary stuff. This is no mind over matter anymore. The depression is real and it grips me like an anaconda coiling a caiman.
It is ironic considering that my utmost value in life is freedom. I pride myself when I'm not smoking and able to walk in the mall without anxiously looking for a cigarette break every one hour. I know smoking is a menace but I can't seem to let go of the filthy habit. Worst, smoking takes my time away from my daily runs.
Same as before, this year I enrolled in a 12 km race which will happen on the 25th of September. Earlier last month I quit for three weeks. But the depression is overwhelming. On the last day of August, I smoked a pack. I promised myself to quit the next day. Sadly, I continue smoking the next day and the next and the next. I'm back on being a chain smoker.
My friend told me to find the root cause of the problem. After some deep thinking, I concluded that this may be due to me being lonely. However, I am a solitude person by nature. That's why my sport of choice is distance running. I am fully aware of the health setbacks due to smoking. And yet, I still can't let go of smoking.
If I can only predict how long the depression lasts, things will be for the better. It's not that I can't quit but rather, how to stay quit. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I intend to quit again. How many times have I quit? Perhaps a few hundred times. It doesn't matter. I will continue to quit until I can overcome the depression. I asked my doctor to prescribe some antidepressant. She refused to comply because she said the medication might get me to mania mood. In other words, the doctor rather has a depressed patient than a manic one. Easier to handle I suppose.
I am not giving up on finding the solution. Somehow, I got to tackle the depression state of my dependency. Now that I know I can handle the craving and the boredom, my focus on quitting, this time, is to vanquish the depression. I'll go for another twenty-one days and see how it goes.
One strategy I can think off is to counter the lethargy with being active. Always on the move. Perhaps the motion will lift my spirit up. I don't know for sure. What I know is that when I am depressed, I have a low amount of energy. So, motion creates emotion. Hmmph... I'll give it a shot.
Other than that, I intend to drink a lot of water. It might work. Finally, I will not smoke another cigarette. That had backfired before but at this point, that seems to be the most sensible thing to do.
Wish me luck.