It was slightly over two decades ago that I was first diagnosed with this peculiar illness known as Bipolar Affective Disorder. It is a strange illness because unlike any other illness Bipolar is not visible under the microscope. It is a form of mental illness.
Therefore the early symptoms are not physical but really psychological in nature. I was not aware that I was ill until things were blown out of proportion.
I remember that it all began in 1998. I was running a thriving training and consulting company. It was our best year ever. We just secured a million-dollar contract. Of course, all of us in Sharudin Jamal & Associates were very happy. We worked day and night to deliver a massive training program to a major client involving 2,000 participants.
I was very young then. At 33 years old I became a millionaire. I recalled reading the story of Prophet Solomon of how he said that all of his wealth was a test for him to be grateful or defiant. Certainly, I decided to be grateful.
The previous year was also a good financial year for us. I read that Umar, the second caliph of Islam infaq (spend on the path of God) fifty percent of his wealth. Abu Bakar, the first caliph infaq one hundred percent. I decided to follow Umar. Do not mistake infaq with zakat (alm) and sadakah (donation). Infag is merely for fisabillilah (to please God)
I did all that needed to be done. I helped the poor, the needy, single mothers, orphans, and the new converts. I even donated computers to the mosques, distributed food supplements, handout religious books to the masses, bought religious lectures cassettes to pass around, and paid medical bills for the ill.
At the same time, I was inspired by the writings of Jalaluddin Rumi and Muhyiddin Al Arabi, two of the famous Sufis. It was then I decided to become a Wandering Sufi. I dressed in the traditional Islamic attire complete with the turban and spotted a goatee. I told my partner then that I wanted to spend time studying Islam and thus I wanted to take sabbatical leave from running the company for two years.
With that, I proceeded with my plan. I studied the Quran in the morning (known as Tafsir) under the tutelage of Professor Dr. Abdul Hayei of Islamic Studies, University Malaya. In the afternoon I recited the Quran (known as Tajwid) under the supervision of Imam Ramli of the Institute of Strategic International Studies (ISIS). When time permitted I attended lectures in the Institute of Islamic Thoughts and Civilization (ISTAC). In addition, I made a point to pray at the mosques five times a day.
This lasted for two years. In the second year, I was at the peak of my piousness. I completed my Ramadan fast and the tarawikh prayers (the special prayers in Ramadan). I did the tahajjud prayers (the prayers that you do in the wee hours of the night) and I did the taubah prayer (prayer to repent recommended at least once in a lifetime). It was during this prayer that I asked for God to make me His Most Loyal Soldier.
In the meantime those years were the years of economic turbulence. The whole region was hit by the Asian Financial Meltdown. My business was not doing well. My partner only managed to bring in thirty percent of the revenue in 1998. The same thing happened in 1999. We cannot even cover our burn rate. That economic recession wiped out my entire savings trying to help the company stay afloat.
It was a time of extreme pressure. Now, if you realize, different people respond differently to pressure. Some got heart attacks, some got strokes, some got cancer, while others got organ failures. In my case, I got a brain attack.
Without me realizing it, my reality was altered. While I was dealing with the financial pressure, my mind was sucked into an alternate reality dimension and I had to fight Iblis! It was a gory experience. Iblis was trying to take over my mind. I was in a rage. Suddenly I was experiencing anger at things that were "unIslamic". I despised the evil doings around me. I was easily irritated and in my mind, I was a soldier battling an invisible enemy, Iblis.
People around me didn't understand this sudden change of behavior. From a mild-mannered peace-loving Sufi, I became a Cyborg Warrior. I spare you the details.
What happened later was I went on a rampage at a highland resort. After that they hospitalized me.
By the time I got out of the hospital, all my associates and employees decided that I was beyond redemption and left the company.
My partner and my accountant decided to sign checks, RM2,000 per check (the limit allowed for the accountant), and siphoned my account until it was negative RM10.
After that my life was a Trail of Tears.
For the next fifteen years, I had to battle Iblis even though I didn't want it anymore. It was so bad that I was admitted to the psychiatric ward six times. It was in 2014 that the doctor finally decided to do Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT) on me. Basically, I had a system reboot. From that point on I no longer have psychosis although I am still a lifelong sufferer of this insidious illness.
Epilogue:
Just like any other form of illness, there are tell-tale signs of a mental illness brewing. My illness didn't happen overnight. From the time I decided to infaq my wealth to the time I threw a rampage at the highland resort, there were many clues already visible.
The point I want to make here is as an observer, be mindful if somebody close to you is having a peculiar sign or odd behavior. This could be signs of mental illness.
What I had described here is my personal journey. Other people may experience it differently. However early detection is important to avoid a major blowup.
Our society at large is not too sympathetic with mental illness and yet 1 out of 4 people are experiencing some form of mental disorder.
I was fortunate to get professional help. Because mental illness is rarely understood, some people try to self-medicate through substance abuse or worst turn to the charlatans for remedy.
If you suspect a person is experiencing a mental disorder, get immediate medical help. Don't wait until he or she blows up or worse, commits a felony.
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